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Sunday, July 20th, 2003
10:33 am
I look back at my profile. The friends I lost. The original bio I wrote saying I wanted to meet people. My therapist said after a problem with a couple people on here to stay away from writing online and to write in my paper journal. She said that I could get away from the stress by doing the easiest thing, which was nothing. I read people's posts, commented on some of them, but mostly read. I don't understand how stupid things have to get in the way in my life. Who knows, things might change now.

(2 little comforts | comfort me)

Saturday, May 17th, 2003
6:08 pm
Come to me...That's what my dream said when I walked towards the place I cannot name. And it was fabulous. Everything was so fabulous.

(comfort me)

Friday, January 3rd, 2003
11:36 am
I'm home now which is comforting and lonely together. Walking into an empty apartment is a mixture of emotions. Now that I'm back I need to go places, say hello and do the things that I didn't do when I left. Is there going to be a time when I open the door and someone's there waiting for me? A hug everytime I go home would be nice. Argh...I want a dog.

(1 little comfort | comfort me)

Friday, November 29th, 2002
8:50 pm
I have to update all my interests. Things have changed more than I thought. Thanksgiving was better than I thought it would be. Mom's backing off, which is good, I think. I'm always thinking she's planning something. Being cautious about everything I say. Everything she says. Looking for hidden meanings I'm not sure are there. So many things in my head, so many questions. Maybe I shouldn't think about it. They're going shopping tomorrow and I'm not sure what I'll do.

(3 little comforts | comfort me)

Monday, August 19th, 2002
9:35 am - Today
Today I'm feeling like I can handle things. I feel together and that is a good feeling. I don't know if I could take on the world but I think I can take myself. I love it when I feel this way, I'm going to go take a walk and oh I'll go by the pet store. That'll be good.

(3 little comforts | comfort me)

Friday, August 16th, 2002
4:13 pm
I haven't posted in awhile but I wanted to say thank you to some people. Erin, thank you for the letter. It made me feel so warm inside. It's nice to know when people care about you. Vikki, I am sending you an email tonight, I need to talk to you. Everyone else thanks for being there for me. I was having a hard day yesterday but today is looking up. I laid down in a park today and let the sun drape over me. I felt like a cat. I've been spending a lot of time alone which I think is good and my therapist has mixed feelings over. I'm doing okay. And that's good.

(1 little comfort | comfort me)

Friday, August 9th, 2002
10:57 am - Feelings
Days have just been going by and that's okay i guess. I mean I'm glad in ways but not glad in other ways. Starting school soon and I'm not sure how that's going to be. There's so many things happening and i feel like everything is going through me, that I am a filter of feelings passing through. I need to write a couple e-mails tonight and find a suitable poem for today.

(comfort me)

Tuesday, July 30th, 2002
1:58 pm
I've been alittle sad lately and I've been talking to my therapist about it so that's good. I have to return some emails which I will do tonight and I'm supposed to sit and think about my sadness. About why I am sad and what is making me this way. We talked about the war that was going on between my mother and I while I was at home and how things are better here but things still aren't good. peace is only better than war if peace is not hell too. War being hell makes sense. I think tonight and I'll write back the people I need to. I'm sorry it's taking so long.

(comfort me)

Tuesday, July 23rd, 2002
10:16 pm - Thank you
I'd just like to say thank you to all of my friends you have showed support for me. Your kindness is what makes me happy that I am back and what I missed most. You all matter to me in ways I cannot describe. Thank you.

(1 little comfort | comfort me)

Wednesday, June 5th, 2002
10:06 pm
When life turns
it doesn't use it's blinker
or signal or call out.
life just moves
and if you're not paying attention
you can get blindsided by life.
A little nudge to wake you up
or something more.
I once saw a girl hit head-on by life.
She didn't see it coming
until life knocked her down.
She watched the stars,
lying on the colored asphalt
as life left her.
Because life will not stop for no one
and life runs away from us all.

(2 little comforts | comfort me)

Saturday, June 1st, 2002
10:47 pm - Parents
Parents are here this weekend and we are moving which is a good thing. I am sad today which is a bad thing. I can't hide it either which is a really bad thing. You're just one emotion, just one channel. Yes, I know mother. I know I am just one emotion right now. What's wrong, why won't you tell me? Mom, you don't want to know. And even if you did I don't think I could tell you. I'm moving into my new house which means when they leave I can get a new puppy. But I better put that off for right now because it looks like I'm going on a trip with Erinn soon. I've been talking with Erinn a lot lately. I miss her and hope she's alright. I'm tired, so tired and it's not even late yet. I feel like I'm going to cry. Sad night.

(comfort me)

Friday, May 31st, 2002
12:06 am - A look back at Rebecca's Guide to Happiness
(Smile only when I need to. No more of this smiling in awkward situations.) I've been doing better but I need to catch myself sometimes. But definitely at improvement.
(Take a walk and look at the moon and the stars at least four times a week.) Not four times a week yet but I'm doing it more. And the moon looks beautiful.
(Go somewhere or do something that will force me to laugh.) I went and saw About a Boy. That was good.
(Forgive someone that not only doesn't need forgiving but also doesn't deserve forgiveness and tell them I'm okay with occupying the same world as them.) I working on that.
(Dye my hair.) I completely forgot about this. Perhaps this weekend I'll make a change.
(Think about the people I care about and love them in my heart.) I am always doing this. I love my friends.
(Take some time to draw some pictures.) I've been doodling but that doesn't count. I should find some time to do this.
(Release all my hatred and anger. It sits in me and says it's my friend but all the while I turn into a bitter person. There is no time for hatred and anger when love is possible. And love is always possible.) I'm trying
(Buy something small for myself.) I'll go shopping this weekend. I forgot about this one as well.
(Tell the people I care about how much they mean to me.) I have grown so close to many of you. I love the people I have met from here. To name a few Niamh, Vikki, Erinn, Erin, Catlin. I hold you all very near to my heart. I love you all. I am looking forward to learn more about charcoalrain, ice_princess, sunkissed, sugar_magnolia, evilbecca and anakitten. In fact I'm looking forward to learn more about a lot of people. Well I'm going to bed soon. Parents coming this weekend. Moving soon. Write again tomorrow.

(1 little comfort | comfort me)

Wednesday, May 29th, 2002
9:55 am - tired eyes
All my secrets came out last night. Some here, some there, some everywhere. too many problems. I woke up today with tired eyes, not because I didn't get any sleep, but because my eyes didn't. I don't have time to reply to posts, so please don't think I'm neglecting anyone. I just have time to write this and perhaps find a poem. Someone elses word to mend my day.

(2 little comforts | comfort me)

12:13 am
please help me. someone please please I need someone. Erinn help me tonight please erinn help me. I'm scared and god please help me.

(comfort me)

Tuesday, May 28th, 2002
11:44 pm - no
this is not today. this is not happening. I'm going to wake up and this whole day was a dream. Please let this day be a dream because I'm a fucking mess. Crying and crying and fucking crying all night. Here it goes everyone. When I was young very young my biological father did something to me. He did something he really shouldn't have. Let's say he touched me in a way he shouldn't have and I've had problems with that all my life. Tonight I was doing the part of my guide to happiness that would be the hardest. I was going to forgive the person who didn't deserve it. I was going to forgive my father. But i couldn't do it. I cried on the phone and my dad asked what it was and I hung up on him. I've been in my room for forever crying. I couldn't do it and I failed and I'm a fucking loser because I can't find any fucking thing in my life. I can't get over it and I'm a fucking victim forever. Not a survivor, a victim. Someone who cries in their room. This and by god I hope you're all right Catlin. I'm going to think of you all night and wish on as many stars as I can see that you'll be fine. Ok no more writing. I'm going to talk to erinn, she's keeping me together. Thank you erinn, you're a great friend.

(6 little comforts | comfort me)

4:37 pm - no time for flowers
A simple day. Go to school. Come home. I just told lyrica how great breaks are now I'm finding myself with too much work and no motivation. I have to do something I don't want to do but I do, well it's complicated. I have to do the part of my guide to happiness I've been putting off and it's going to take all my strength. Too many things to do and the things which take 30 minutes are taking an hour and a half. Everything is in fast forward. Or perhaps it's me that's in slow motion. I don't know. I'm not sure if this thing is going to be good or bad for me but it should be good. It will be good in theory. It has to be good. I'll just keep saying that. Big moment for me. I hope I'm strong enough.

(comfort me)

Sunday, May 26th, 2002
6:08 pm - I'm sorry I was vague
I'm sorry I was being somewhat vague. I'm being impulsive again. Impulsive in how I went to San Francisco. Impulsive in how lostinside and I are leaving. We want more for ourselves then what we have in our towns and we want out. The plan is Ireland right now. We're going to Ireland and we have to get the money and we have to leave as soon as possible and I'm quitting my job and it'll be great. We're going to leave as soon as we possibly could. What are we going to do when we get there, how will it be, I don't know. All I know is if anything bad happens we'll be there for each other and I'm happy about that. I'm so happy. It's time for me to get out of my room and go into the world. I'm sorry if I made anyone concerned. We'll still be around but we'll be together. Neevel, I said that I would visit you someday and when you go walking I'll be there someday. I'm living up to my promise.

(1 little comfort | comfort me)

2:13 pm - Goodbye
We're leaving. No stopping us we're taking off and going away. Goodbye cruel world. We're checking out.

(7 little comforts | comfort me)

3:01 am - the world
I've had such a horrible night. somebody please remind me why this is a good world.

(6 little comforts | comfort me)

Saturday, May 25th, 2002
10:14 pm - I'm angry
What the hell is wrong with people. I know that this is against my guide to happiness but whoever is using my aim and talking to people is messed up. I used a coffee house internet today and I'm been hearing that someone went on saying they were me. I'm shocked hearing this and if anyone talked to me aim today it wasn't me and I'm so sorry. I'm never doing that again, I'm only using the computer at my home. I'm sorry everyone, whoever that was is a seriously disturbed person.

(1 little comfort | comfort me)

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